If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
