don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
