by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
