it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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