Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
