Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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