Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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