I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
