my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
