Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
