I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
