so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
