I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
