I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
