she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
