party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
