Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
