She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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