Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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