I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
