theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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