Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
