I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
