i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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