I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
