i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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