these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
