and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
