Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
