if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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