my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
