Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
they're like a gay fantastic four
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
