You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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