I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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