Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm really busy with my period
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