good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
