youre lurking in front of me
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
