Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
