Your face is a jimmy john
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
