my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
