How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize