And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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