we made out on top of his cat.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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