I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize