never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
