I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Too much gin, very little bucket
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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