smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
