I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
