the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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