The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
