At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
