I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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