the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
