I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
