So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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