I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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