I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
