I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
