WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
